Akatsuki Baseball
by redclouds
Summary: Pein decides to make the Akatsuki into a baseball team to earn some cash, you can tell how this turns out.
1. Baseball

Author's Note

Yeah so here's my new story Akatsuki Baseball, I've been thinking about this one for awhile so I hope you guys like it. Any reviews bad or good are appreciated.

* * *

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining the birds were chirping, people were out walking their dogs and the akatsuki were….. well……….

"Give me the fucking remote Deidara!" Hidan yelled.

"Screw you un! Oprah's about to tell us what new book we should read." Deidara replied.

"I don't give a shit about Oprah I. Need. To. Watch. House." Hidan said.

"Are you stupid Hidan? We're watching the shopping channel." Kakuzu said.

"You're crazy." Kisame said. "We're watching _World of Parasites _up next."

Itachi, Sasori, and Zetsu were on the other couch wisely keeping out of the conversation, Sasori's favorite show, Antiques Road Show, was already over and the other two simply didn't watch T.V.

"How long do you think?" Sasori asked.

"Five minutes." Zetsu replied after arguing with himself.

"3 minutes at the most." Itachi said.

"Nah, even shorter, it will be 1 at the most." Sasori said.

"Alright you're on." Zetsu said.

_58 seconds later_

"That's it! If I can't watch it nobody can!" Kakuzu yelled as raised the T.V. over his head and then smashed it on the floor.

"See I told you so."

Then Pein and Konan walked in with Tobi on their heels.

"Alright everybody apparently Leader has something important to tell us….. for once." Konan said to the group.

"Well what is it O Leader-sama of mine." Hidan said thoroughly sarcastic.

"Alright guys I've got some important news, I've decided to enter the Akatsuki into a world wide baseball league!" Pein said more excited than he should be. When everyone just stared at him he continued. "There will be teams from Leaf, Sand, Rock and so on, you'll all have positions to play and I'll be coaching you."

"Why do you do this to us?" Kakuzu asked.

"The winner gets 100 million ryo." And now Kakuzu was in full support of it.

"Well I think Leader has struck upon a great idea whaddaya say guys lets play some ball!" Kakuzu said drunk on the idea of money.

"Fuck you." Just guess who said this.

"Well at least one of you is with me on this, so anyways tomorrow we get our uniforms and we start practice. So, who wants to know their position?" Leader said.

"Oh pick me Leader-sama pick Tobi he wants to know!" Tobi asked.

"Well Tobi you're left field, and as for you Konan you're center field, Itachi is right field, Sasori is short stop, Kakuzu is third base, Hidan's second, Kisame's first, Zetsu is catcher, and Deidara you're pitcher, no exploding balls." Leader said.

"Why not un? Level the playing field man." Deidara whined.

"You know sometimes I really hate you Pein." Konan said.

"Well guess what, I hate all of you all of the time." Hidan said.

And so the most fucked up team to ever play baseball was born.

* * *

Alright the first chapter is done, this story will be longer than my others and hopefully I'll be able to get a new chapter out every week.


	2. Practice

Author's note

So yeah here is chapter two.

* * *

After getting the news that whether they liked it or not, the Akatsuki were playing baseball, Pein had decided to take them to the field for some practice before there first game.

"Come on Deidara you cant just throw the ball wildly you have to aim for the plate."

"If you let me wear my scope I could do it."

"It's against league regulations, you cant wear your scope or use your clay, Sasori cant use his puppets, and despite what you saw earlier today Kakuzu cant kill the umpires."

"He had it coming." Kakuzu said.

"Hey asshole." Hidan said as he finished putting on his Jashinism glove complete with bloodstains. "You need to practice too so get a glove on and throw me the damn ball."

"I don't need to practice I'm Kakuzu."

"Fuck you!"

"Hey by the way Leader." Kisame said. "How come you're the 'coach' ,who isn't doing anything by the way, while we're breaking our backs playing this stupid game."

"First of all Akatsuki rule number 2: Leader doesn't have to do anything. Second, deal with it."

"You lazy bastard." Hidan said.

"It's alright guys you don't want him anyways." Konan said. "He's terrible at this, he's got no stamina, he doesn't know what he's doing, and he thinks it's all about him."

"Okay I don't know if your talking about sex or baseball." Kakuzu said.

"Hey are you the Akatsuki coach, Mr. Leader?" A delivery man asked as he walked up to the group with several boxes in tow.

"Yes I am, ah these must be our bats."

"What!? Wooden bats? That's gay aluminum bats are way better." Hidan said.

"Exactly, everyone would hit homeruns with aluminum bats which is why we use wooden ones."

"The aluminum bat is my weapon of choice for when the zombies come." Itachi said.

Every looked to Itachi and then just as quickly looked away. No one wanted to touch that.

"I assure you that these bats are of the highest quality." The delivery man said. "These babies are FDA approved."

As the man left after dropping off the bats Pein couldn't help bur realize that FDA stood for Food and Drug Administration.

* * *

"Ow! What the Fuck Deidara!? I'm standing at third base and you hit me, how the fuck can you suck that much?"

"Shut up Hidan! This is hard!"

"How!? The plates just sitting there I could fucking stand still and close my eyes and get it there while you'd end up hitting Itachi whose in fucking right field!"

_Outfield_

"Itachi-san this is boring, Tobi is bored I don't like just throwing the ball around cant we do something more fun?"

"……." Was Itachi's response.

"Shut up Tobi you're makling this even worse." Konan said. "The only good part about this is that it's quieter out here than it is in the infield and you're ruining that."

"Aww."

_Infield_

"Alright we're gonna see how you guys do with getting the ball to each other." Pein said. "Now I want it to go from first to third to second to short stop and then, Sasori, throw it to Zetsu at catcher's. You idiots got that?"

Yeah/Fuck you was the response. The routine was going pretty good until…..

"What kind of pass was that Hidan?" Sasori asked bewildered.

"It was right to you jackass."

"It was more like 4 feet above my head."

"You mocking me puppet?"

"You questioning me _scientologist_?"

"FUCK YOU!"

_5 minutes later_

"You're both pathetic." Zetsu said. "**Idiots**."

"Both of you can just sit in the dugout now, you're all like little kids. Like an organization full of Tobi's." Pein said as he scolded the members.

"Oh is that a compliment Leader-sama, I know I'm a good boy but I didn't think I was that popular."

"New Akatsuki rule, number 20: Shut up Tobi."

"Ha that's an awesome rule un!"

"You dumbass Deidara." Sasori said. "Rule number 8 is shut up Deidara."

"That's even better!" Hidan said laughing his ass of.

"Rule number 9: Shut up Hidan." Everyone else said.

"HEY!"

"ENOUGH!" Pein yelled. "Now I've tried to be nice about this."

A cough that sounded suspiciously like 'bullshit' came from Hidan.

"But I've had enough with your childish behavior. If you don't stop acting like this and take this league seriously, I'll just have to do something about it."

"Like what?" Kakuzu asked.

"I'll make you give charities Kakuzu, Hidan you'll have to sit through a session at the Church of Rikudo, Kisame I'll feed you to Zetsu, Zetsu, I'll set you on fire, I'll destroy your collection of country music Itachi, I'll rip off your arms Deidara, Sasori, I'll break every puppet you've ever made, and I'll write the word bad on your mask Tobi. Now does anyone have anything to say?"

"………." Was the collective response.

"Good. Now Konan when's our first game?"

"Tomorrow."

"Fuck."

* * *

Next chapter: Game 1


	3. Game 1

Author's note

So here is chapter 3 of Akatsuki Baseball. The Akatsuki are having their first game today and because they suck will probably lose.

* * *

"And hear we are today at the first game of the World Wide Shinobi Baseball League! This is your announcer, the great, the sexy, the one who all the ladies love, Jiraiya! For our first game we have the Sand Village team taking on the Akatsuki team. I'm sure this will be an interesting game, what do you think fans think?!"

"YEAHHH!!"

"And there you have it, in just a few short minutes the Sand will take the field and the Akatsuki will be up to bat."

_Meanwhile in the dugout_

"Alright team I know we haven't had much time to practice." Pein said. "But I'm certain we can beat a bunch of kids. Now who's with me?!"

'Crickets chirp'

"Sorry if we don't share your enthusiasm Leader." Deidara said. "Honestly do any of you guys think we can win?"

No response.

"Just shut up and bat."

"Mind if I join your team kukuku?"

The Akatsuki turned to find none other than Orochimaru.

"Why, out of every possible person, do you have to be here?" Pein said.

"Well I've forgiven you for putting up those rules about me and for calling the Pedophile Patrol on me as well. So I thought I would come down here and……. Lend you a hand kukuku."

"That sounds so wrong coming from you." Kakuzu said.

"Well either you way you cant be on our team, so fuck off." Pein said.

"You guys are so mean. Fine if I cant be on your team I'll just make my own one, it'll be way better than yours." Orochimaru said as he stormed off.

"Well at least he left." Sasori said.

* * *

"And the Sand takes the field while the Akatsuki get ready to bat. First up for their team is Deidara formerly from Hidden Rock. Now here comes umpire Hiyashi to start the game."

"Alright you all know the rules , I want this game to be clean, no cheating, no fights, and lets try to keep trash-talking down. Understood?"

"Yeah." Both coaches said.

"Then lets play ball!"

"Deidara makes his way to the plate, while the always good-looking Temari gets ready at the pitchers mound." Jiraiya commentates.

_Oh man I'm so screwed yeah, I've never swung a bat in my life, Leader wasn't paying attention to me again, fuck this I'll just close my eyes and hope for the best._

"And it's a hit! The balls going hard to left field it's going, going, and…… caught by Gaara's sand. One out for the Akatsuki."

_Well I hit it at least_. Deidara thought.

"What the fuck ump! We're not allowed to use ninjutsu so why can that Gaara kid use his sand!?" Pein yelled to Hiyashi.

"Eh, I'll allow it."

"What!?"

"The sand made the smart choice of paying me off before the game began."

"This is bullshit." Pein was thoroughly pissed off.

The rest of the top of the first went by uneventfully, Itachi wouldn't swing and so he got out. And when Hidan's ball went foul he broke his bat and started cussing out Hiyashi so he was given an out. Now the Akatsuki have taken the field.

"So far an uneventful game and it's now the bottom of the first inning with the Sand team up and the Akatsuki out in the field. First up from the sand is Kankouro while Akatsuki member Deidara pitches."

_Alright I can totally do this, I'm the man yeah, I can totally strike this guy out._ Deidara thought

_I wish I could eat the batter. That would give us an advantage._ Zetsu thought.

_Oh you just know this girl is gonna walk everyone._ Hidan thought.

_I'm hungry._ Kisame thought

_Just throw it already Deidara, I hate waiting._ Sasori thought.

_How can I kill the other players without Hiyashi noticing?_ Kakuzu thought.

_The grass out here feels nice._ Itachi thought.

_This nail polish rubs off to easy._ Konan thought.

_Dadadadada baseball dadadadada gonna have some fun._ Tobi thought

"Deidara ." Hidan said. "Just remember to not suck. Take that advice to heart."

"Asshole." Deidara muttered.

The Akatsuki ended up giving the Sand team a 9 run lead in the first inning. From then on it was a series of blunders and more horrible playing. Kisame actually made it to second base before a line drive from Sasori knocked him out cold. Tobi didn't swing at the ball either because he didn't want to hurt it, Konan didn't even go to the plate so Hiyashi was forced to give the Akatsuki an out. Zetsu bit off one of the sand's player's arm and was thrown out of the game. And Kakuzu ended up twisting his ankle on the way to first.

_Later_

"Oh my God we suck." Kisame said. "How is it even possible to lose 24 to 0?"

"Every fly ball and potential homerun was caught by that kids sand. Also the fact that our outfield is useless, Tobi plays around in the grass, Itachi wont run for the ball, and I'm pretty sure I saw you applying nail polish Konan?" Pein said.

"Well if you want me to look ugly…."

"We could have done better if Kakuzu hadn't gotten thrown out." Hidan said.

"He was out! Hiyashi's a corrupt bastard!"

"You didn't have to rip off Baki's head though." Sasori said.

"Well it's become obvious that we need to restructure the field positions. Kakuzu you switch with Itachi at right field. Hidan you'll switch with Konan at center. And now all of you get the fuck better!" And with that Pein drove back to the Akatsuki base leaving the rest at the field.

"Asshole left us." Hidan said.

"Well, lets go get wasted." Kakuzu said.

* * *

Next up the Akatsuki have their second game with the Hidden Mist team.

And the here's the complete list of rules Orochimaru mentioned:

1. Don't disobey Leader

2. Leader doesn't have to do anything

3. Konan and Zetsu have authority

4. Never go somewhere private with Orochimaru

5. If you're a male Orochimaru wants to rape you

6. If Orochimaru comes by call this number: 1-800-Pedopatrol

7. Use your inside voice

8. Shut up Deidara

9. Shut up Hidan

10. No killing of other members

11. No dismantling of anti-jutsu seals

12. No stealing

13. Be courteous

14. Don't talk about Akatsuki

15. Don't bring up Sasori's parents

16. Don't bring up Itachi's past

17. Don't bring up Kisame or Zetsu's appearance

18. All money related things are to first be brought up with Kakuzu

19. No soap operas- newly added

20. Shut up Tobi- newly added


	4. They still suck

Author's note

So yeah here's chapter 4, I would've uploaded it yesterday but I got halfway done and didn't feel like writing anymore.

* * *

"Alright retards, now we're gonna keep practicing until you stop sucking, I don't care how long it takes next game we're going to at least score a run, if we don't I'll rip off your faces and give them to Orochimaru." Pein said as he scolded the Akatsuki.

After their incredible defeat of 24 to 0 Pein decided that the Akatsuki needed some extra practice, their field positions had changed around and so he wanted to see how they worked now. So far…..

"What the hell Kakuzu why didn't you run for it?!" Kisame yelled.

"It was yours."

"The hell it was you lazy bastard."

"Call me a bastard again and I'll sell you to the sushi bar down the street."

Kisame was quiet.

"Konan for fuck and Jashin's sake don't just stand there. When I throw the fucking ball at you catch it!" Hidan yelled.

"Your throws are awful, maybe if you didn't have pink eye you'd be able to throw the ball more accurately."

"PINK EYE! YOU BITCH!"

"I don't think it's going to well master Sasori, yeah."

"Don't talk to me."

* * *

Currently Itachi was sitting in the dugout, Pein had given up on him practicing, so he was currently watching his comrades get pissed at eachother and had a shred of a smile when Kisame started to strangle Kakuzu.

"Ugh, this is hopeless, all of you suck." Pein said. "Itachi why don't you go out there and stop those two idiots from killing each other."

"I enjoy my spot here Leader-sama."

"God I hate you, I hate you so much."

* * *

"Next game when Hiyashi's not looking we eat the batter."

"**Right."**

"I cant wait."

"Hey Zetsu?" Tobi said.

"What is it? **Fuck off."**

"I'm bored outfield's no fun anymore, Hidan just keeps yelling at Konan and Kakuzu and Kisame are still fighting."

"I don't care. **Still fuck off."**

* * *

After Pein saw no improvement he ripped off Hidan's face as an example. This got most of the other's going and they finally started to not be the shittiest players ever…. Except for Hidan who was rolling around out in left field. Soon the day of their next game was upon them and all members were anxious as a loss would mean a torn off face.

"Welcome ladies and gentleman to Shinobi Baseball, game 4. This is your announcer Jiraiya here and boy do we have what's sure to be a great game for you. It's the Akatsuki team, who are currently in last after a humiliating defeat, versus the Hidden Rock team. Are you guys ready for some baseball!"

_In the Akatsuki dugout_

"Did he really have to say it was humiliating." Kisame said.

"Well it was, you guys were absolutely pathetic it was like watching retards playing tic-tac-toe out there." Pein said. "But I know you've gotten better since then and hopefully you won't lose and I wont be forced to kill all of you."

"Very reassuring." Kakuzu said.

Hiyashi walked up to the Akatsuki.

"Alright now I don't want any repeats of what happened last time with you guys." Hiyashi said to them. "If you kill any more players I'll have you thrown out of the league. Got that?"

"Well that depends." Pein said. "Have you been paid off by the other team?"

"Yes."

"Then no promises."

"Alright whatever." Hiyashi walked out to the field. "Now, let's play ball!"

* * *

"First up for the Akatsuki is Hidan." Jiraiya announced. "Last game Hidan broke his bat after hitting a foul ball, lets see what happens today."

"Asshole." Hidan murmured. "Fucking stupid baseball, dumbass Leader, he can go to Jashin hell for all I care."

"Here's the pitch….. and It's a line drive that smashed right into the Rock pitchers face! Oh he looks like he's out cold and possibly dead. Well that's what happens in ninja baseball."

"You're out." Hiyashi said.

"What!? He didn't even catch the fucking ball!" Hidan yelled.

"No he caught it look." Indeed there was a ball in the dead pitcher's mitt.

"You put that there you bastard!"

"Yeah so?"

At this point Hidan launches himself at Hiyashi and is thrown out of the game, the Akatsuki are not allowed a replacement. Kisame comes up next and hits a grounder and gets to first but becomes out when Hiyashi say's that pets aren't allowed to play. Kisame also attacks Hiyashi and is thrown out. The Akatsuki are not allowed a replacement. Up next was Kakuzu who 'accidentally' hit Hiyashi in the face with his bat and was also thrown out. Still no replacements were allowed.

_Later_

"You know I really thought you idiots got better but apparently I was wrong." Pein said.

"Well no shit, un."

"Are you going to take our faces away now Leader-sama?" Tobi asked.

"No, you dumbasses would've won if it wasn't for that bastard Hiyashi. Yeah asshole I'm talking about you!" Pein said as Hiyashi walked by. "However I knew this would happen so I took the liberty of allowing Sasori to threaten the scorekeeper to make it seem like we won. As far as everyone else is concerned we won this game."

"Is that why Sasori was gone? I din't even notice." Kisame said.

None of them had. Sasori is a quiet and lonesome person.

"So technically we did win then?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yeah."

"Well then lets get fucking drunk!" Most members said at once.

Alright so that's it for now. I plan to have 8 or so chapters for this story and then I'll be working on my next one.


	5. Turn Around

* * *

Author's note:

So yeah here's chapter 5, I would've had it done yesterday but I didn't feel like finishing it.

* * *

"Oh shit man, I'm about to fucking puke." Hidan said.

After their "victory" the Akatsuki had gone to a bar to get drunk. Unfortunately this had some negative effects, and as their next game was tomorrow things probably aren't going to end well.

"You, yousa retards just….. just had to get drunk din't ya." Pein said to a fence.

"They're over here stupid." Konan said to Pein. She was the only member of the group who didn't feel like getting slovenly drunk.

"Hey Konan." Deidara said. "Did I ever tell you how nice your hair is? Of course mines better and all but yours is still alright."

"Damn your stupid Deidara." Sasori said, the only member of the group who _couldn't_ get drunk.

"Alright well any a way." Pein said. "We got our game tomorrow and if we win this one and the next we'll get into the semifinal game. So don't fuck up." And with that he fell over sideways into a ditch.

* * *

_The next day_

Most of the Akatsuki were hung over from their night at the bar, things weren't looking good as Hiyashi started the game and forced the Akatsuki out to the field.

"And now game five of the Shinobi Baseball League has begun!" Jiraiya said. "Today we have the Akatsuki versus the Leaf. It's sure to be an interesting game as it appears that most of the Akatsuki members are sleeping at their field positions."

"Kakuzu wake the fuck up!" Pein yelled. Although Pein never got hangovers, no one knows how, the rest of the Akatsuki just weren't as fortunate.

"Stop yelling asshole!" Hidan yelled himself, and then grabbed his head.

"Great half the teams sleeping and the other half either sucks or are having incredible headaches, fucking perfect."

"Play ball!" Hiyashi yelled.

"Shut up!" The Akatsuki yelled.

"Alright first up for the Leaf team is Kiba Inuzuka, and he gets walked to first base as the Akatsuki pitcher Deidara is having trouble throwing the ball." Jiraiya announced.

"_Oh fuck man I can't even tell were the plate is, am I even standing up? Oh man my head hurts, yeah. Huh that's weird, I even have a speech impediment in my mind, well fuck un."_

"The bases are loaded as the Akatsuki pitcher can't seem to get the ball more than five feet off the mound, at least he can look forward to a no hitter!"

Deidara eventually walked six runs in and the inning was called. The Akatsuki were now getting ready to hit.

"Up first for the Akatsuki is Itachi Uchiha, good thing his brother isn't here, nobody

wants to deal with that."

"_Did somebody say my name? Damn its bright out hear. No way am I hung over getting hung over is for Uchiha's …… wait that came out wrong. Am I still drunk? _

Itachi then fell over onto home plate unconscious. Kakuzu was supposed to be up next but he was still sleeping, it was a good thing though as he couldn't hear Hidan's constant bitching. Kisame was up next but all he did was puke on the catcher, and as he would complain later "That pink haired bitch is fucking strong!" Almost the entire game went like this with the only run for the Akatsuki being scored by Sasori, they didn't lose too horribly though Deidara eventually got over his hangover and managed to not suck too bad. Itachi was thrown out of the game when he accidentally used Amaterasu on the crowd.

"I told you it was an accident; I thought someone was trying to attack me." Itachi said in defense.

"That was just someone waving at you, you need to get your eyes checked." Hiyashi said.

* * *

_After the game_

"Well that was a horrible game you guys played. No more alcohol before a game, if I catch you drinking again I'll break your legs." Pein threatened. "However we still got the win."

"What!?" Was the collective response.

"I bribed Hiyashi before the game began."

"Where did you get the money? Zetu asked.

"I stole it from Kakuzu, thank God he's still asleep."

* * *

_At the Akatsuki's next game_

"Alright retards." Pein said. "Now lets see if we can win a game through skill instead of cheating….. like that'll ever happen."

Surprisingly they didn't start to lose badly in the first inning. Deidara didn't pitch horribly and the outfield was slightly better now that Kakuzu was actually trying and Hidan wasn't constantly complaining anymore. Their teamwork still sucked as they had never gotten a double play but hey, It was good so far, right?

"Now up for the Akatsuki is the ever loud and bitchy Hidan."

"Oh I'm gonna kill that asshole."

"It's a hit and the ball is going, going, and gone! Holy shit the Akatsuki managed to score a run!"

"How the hell did that happen?" Kakuzu said. "That dumbass is all of a sudden able to hit homerun's?"

"Yeah damn right I'm awesome!" Hidan gloated. "This is what happen's when you devote yourself to Jashin-sama bitch! Fuck you Deidara!

"I didn't even say anything."

"Wait, here comes Hiyashi to bullshit us out of a run." Sasori said.

"Wow I'm surprised you guys actually scored. One nothing Akatsuki."

"Wait." Pein said. "Usually you say some bullshit thing and we get screwed over. What's going on Hiyashi?"

"What? I'm not Hiyashi, I'm Hizashi his twin brother."

"Oh." Pein said.

"Aren't you dead?" Itachi asked.

"………...No."

* * *

_Later_

"Holy Jashin damned shit! We actually won a game without cheating!" Hidan yelled.

"I'm incredibly surprised, I still thought you guys sucked." Pein said.

"Well we do." Zetsu said. "It's just that the other team sucked more. **Especially after I bit off their third basemen's leg."**

"Alright how about we celebrate by getting smashed again!?" Kakuzu yelled, he was a raging alcoholic after all.

"Kisame, Itachi, please shut Kakuzu up." Pein said and then turned to Konan. "And for God's sake please actually do something next game!"

"No."

* * *

Alright just a few more chapters left. Next chapter something interesting comes up.


	6. Team Sound

Author's note:

Alright then here is chapter 6 of Akatsuki Baseball. I would've had it out last Saturday but I got lazy and ended up being on a trip for a week.

Disclaimer: I don't think I've put one of these in yet.

* * *

"Come on dipshits, you might have won those last two games but you still suck." Pein said. "Now you're gonna need to get better or there's no chance in hell we're going to win this thing."

"Especially seeing as you'll be playing my team, kukuku."

"What the?! Orochimaru!"

"That's right, I've come here to tell you that I've made my own team as well, Team Sound. Currently we're headed for the finals and that prize."

"How the hell are you even in the league."

"I'm rich, and I did some things that I'm not really proud of, oh who am I kidding I'm proud of everything I do."

"That's disgusting." Itachi said as the rest of the Akatsuki assembled to meet Orochimaru's team.

"Ah, so the rest of the retards have arrived."

"Hey! I'm the only one allowed to call them retards." Pein said.

"Fuck you too." Hidan said.

"Your pathetic Akatsuki team won't stand a chance against my team. My players are actually competent."

"You think you're better than me?!" Deidara said. "Well I once fucked a goat!"

"…………….."

"Oh God damn it Deidara." Sasori said shaking his head.

"Well I don't see what that has to do with baseball but for the record, I'm into it." Orochimaru said.

"Okay that's it." Pein said. "Akatsuki, get back to practice, Orochimaru, get the hell away from us."

"See you in the finals my old friends, if you even get there." And with that Orochimaru left.

"Great so now that pedophile snake has a team, and he's right, we are incompetent." Kisame said.

"My pride won't allow me to lose." Kakuzu said. "Or the fact that there is a huge amount of money waiting for me if we win."

"Well I don't give a fuck either way!" Hidan said. "Seriously fuck this whole thing!"

"Ah geez Hidan-san you aren't being any fun." Tobi said.

"I'm not going to let us lose to Orochimaru's team Hidan." Pein said.

"If we do lose I say we blame everything on Hidan." Kakuzu said.

"I agree." Kisame said.

"Well fuck you guys!"

"So it's settled, if we lose to Orochimaru Hidan gets all the blame and all the punishments." Pein said.

"Fuck!"

"Now I want you to get back to practice we have a game tomorrow and as I said earlier you still suck."

* * *

_The game_

"Here I am ladies and gentleman, the ever great and handsome, Jiraiya! Today we have the Akatsuki facing off against the Cloud Team I'm sure the game will be filled with casualties just like all the rest so stay tuned for the excitement. And also to all the lovely ladies out there, who wants my number!"

Jiraiya was then flattened by Tsunade.

Unfortunately for the Akatsuki Hiyashi was back as the umpire and as he told Pein he was already bought off by the Cloud team.

"This is crap we can't win if Hiyashi is going to screw us over at every chance he gets." Sasori said.

"**Just let me eat him."** Zetsu said. "You don't have too watch or anything, just say the word."

"Akatsuki, take the field." Hiyashi said.

The Akatsuki went out to their field positions. It looked as if they were normal, but none of their minds were on the game.

_Why did I tell them I fucked a goat?_

_Fucking bullshit, taking the blame my ass._

_Damn it's bright out hear._

_Money, money, money, victory money, gonna get it._

_Which eyeliner goes better with my complexion?_

_So hungry, everyone is starting to look so delicious._

_I really hate Orochimaru, I hate this game, I hate Pein too._

_Dadadada baseball, dadadada gonna have some fun_

_My eyes hurt, damn you Kisame, those jokes about contacts are not funny._

The game did not go well, but eventually the Cloud team realized that Hiyashi was a Hyuuga and after the dust settled the Cloud team was dead and so Hiyashi had no choice but to declare the Akatsuki winners.

"Alright we have a day off before our game with Orochimaru in the finals, chances are we're going to lose but if worse comes to worse we can just kill all of them and run off with the money." Pein said.

"Whatever, lets just relax for once." Konan said. "Or I can relax while the rest of you do all the work."

A collective sigh was issued.

* * *

Okay now I should have the next chapter out much quicker.


	7. The Finals

Author's note

Yeah so I would have had this out yesterday but I'm lazy so whatever. Enjoy.

* * *

"When I said relax I didn't mean get drunk." Pein said to the Akatsuki.

"Well the way I see it." Kakuzu said. "The two are basically the same for me and Itachi's unconscious so isn't that relaxing. Whaddaya got to say to that orangey."

"Yes my hair I know. Kakuzu you may be able to hold your liquor but look around Deidara is making out with himself, Kisame's eating a mailbox and Zetsu is eating grass, _grass_. Not to mention that Hidan just killed _another_ person."

"It's still less than his average."

"That's it." Pein then grabbed the bottle out of Kakuzu's hand broke it on his head and then stabbed him through one of his hearts.

"Ow fuck! You prick that was my lightning heart! It'll take forever to find another one of those in the fucking Rain village!"

"Quiet." Pein then kicked Kakuzu through a wall; this got the attention of most of the other members, except for Itachi who was still face down in his own puke.

"Stop drinking." He ordered.

All bottles were dropped and Deidara took his hand off his mouth or the other way around, no one was quite sure.

"Here's what's going to happen. Kisame will wake up Itachi if he's still alive, Hidan you will stop killing people and the rest of you will go back to the field and practice. I don't care if you're drunk there's no possible way we can beat Orochimaru like we are now."

"Leader?" Sasori asked.

"What?"

"Where the hell is Tobi?"

"God damnit."

* * *

"So pretty lady do you think Tobi is a good boy?"

"I'll think whatever you want me to for the right price mask-boy."

Tobi had gotten completely drunk and after wandering around the red-light district for awhile decided to chat up a random hooker on the corner.

"Well….. I don't really have any money; Deidara-senpai says that when I become more responsible he'll give me my wallet back though!"

"No money no sex."

"Huh?"

"Tobi! You dumbass get away from the pile of disease and come here!" Pein ordered.

"But she's my friend Leader-sama."

"Deidara, if you will."

"KATSU!"

* * *

_At the field_

"Alright now I know none of you are feeling well, that's called a hangover Itachi in case you didn't know, but I honestly don't care, you saw what I did to Kakuzu and I will do the same to you if you don't stop sucking and practice. We have never had a double play in any of our games and for the most part we blow. So what I'm going to do is point fingers, Tobi Konan Hidan and Itachi are the worst. If we don't win against Orochimaru I will share Hidan's blame with you three as well."

"Oh fuck yeah!" Hidan said. "Fuck you guys now who's getting the blame."

"Hidan you retard. You're still going to be a scapegoat too." Kakuzu said.

"Oh, right…… shit."

The practice went like it normally did, error's, fights, decapitations, except this time there was also some vomiting, mostly on Itachi's part. Orochimaru wasn't joking when he called the team incompetent. However Hidan didn't feel like getting punished for no reason and after invoking his curse on Kisame the Akatsuki were able to make a double play at the expense of about 3 liters of Kisame's blood.

* * *

_The game_

"Here we are ladies, hopefully attractive, and gentleman at the finals of the Worldwide Shinobi Baseball League." Jiraiya announced. A chorus of applauses and yells sounded throughout the stands. "In the finals we have the incredibly favored Team Sound headed by Orochimaru going against the incredibly horrible Team Akatsuki headed by uhh……… Leader. I'm sure this will turn out to be an interesting game andfrom what the movies tell us an amazing upset as well. Batting first is Team Sound while the Akatsuki team takes the field."

"Well we're fucked." Pein said.

"Oh Leader, you aren't truly fucked yet but I'd be happy to make it that way kukuku."

"Get the hell away from me; this isn't your dugout fuck off!"

"Batting first for the Sound is Kimimaro. Who throughout the series has never struckout and judging by this pitcher he probably won't strike out today." Jiraiya said.

_Does he has to insult us at every turn, hm?_

"Go Deidara-senpai! I know you can do it!"

_Fuck you Tobi. Being a pitcher is hard._

_You're a catcher everybody knows it!_

_What the hell!? Hidan? _

The first few innings did not go well as the Sound we're a much better team. Probably because Kabuto had developed something called steroids. At the end of the third it was 4 to 1 and Pein was noticeably pissed off.

"You guys are fucking pathetic! You never get any better I'd have a better chance of making a champion team out of doorknobs!"

"I ate a doorknob once**. It didn't go down well.**"

"Get back out there and if you let them score anymore runs I'll rip off Hidan's arms and repeatedly shove them up your asses!"

The Akatsuki went back to the field slightly flustered and very determined. Actually it's probably the other way around.

"And it's a popup right in between the first baseman and the right fielder; both are running to catch it."

"I got it!" Both Kisame and Kakuzu said, unfortunately……..

"Oh and it looks like the two team members slammed into each other at full speed, they appear knocked out!"

"Oh shit, we can't play without those two." Deidara said.

"Can we use a shadow clone?" Sasori asked.

"No." Umpire Hiyashi said. "The rules are every player must be a real person, no clones or puppets, you yourself barely qualify."

"I'll kill you after this."

"Well then we have no other choice." Pein said. "It just means that I'll have to play."

**To be concluded**

* * *

Alright next up is the final chapter of Akatsuki baseball.


	8. The ninth inning

Author's note:

Here it is the final chapter of Akatsuki Baseball. I hope you enjoy.

And on a side note, the Hidan and Kakuzu arc has finafuckingly begun!

* * *

"You!?" Konan said. "You suck Pein."

"I can be good when I want to be."

"No, no you can't."

"Whatever, it's our only choice anyways seeing as we can't substitute clones. Another one of my bodies and I will take Kakuzu and Kisame's positions."

"We're fucked." Hidan exclaimed.

"No we're not." Pein said. "We can still win, we just have to do what we do best. Cheat."

The Akatsuki took the field again and before someone could say Belichick Hidan threw dirt into Hiyashi's eyes Zetsu bit off Jirobo's hands and Deidara replaced the baseball with a rolled up sock. The rest of the innings went like this until the ninth where the score was 9 to 8 with the Sound team at bat with two outs and bases loaded.

"How the hell did this happen." Pein said.

"You made twelve error's in one inning." Sasori stated. "I believe that's a new league record. The only reason we have any outs is because that one kid got blown up by one of Deidara's exploding balls and Kimimaro died rounding third."

"So it's come back to where even through all the cheating we still suck."

"I told you we were fucked." Hidan said.

"Screw it, whose up next?"

"Oh shit." Deidara said as Orochimaru walked up to the plate.

"What the hell! You're batting!" Pein said.

"Since Kimimaro's dead I had to sub in for our team. Even though I'm more of a pitcher than a hitter I'm sure it won't matter with this." Orochimaru said as he puked out the Kusanagi.

"The fuck!? You can't use a sword to bat!"

"I'll allow it." Hiyashi said.

"The huge amount of energy within this sword would make evn a glancing hit go across the country kukuku." Orochimaru said.

"Deidara." Pein said. "Don't suck."

"I hate you."

In the dugout Kakuzu and Kisame were slowly recuperating from their injuries.

"There is no chance in hell blondie is going to be able to strike out the king of creep himself." Kisame said.

"All that money gone, gone, AHH! I can't stand it! I'm going to kill myself!"

"Calm down Kakuzu, cigarette?" Kisame said holding out a pack.

"Yes, it is."

"…………right."

_Back at he pitcher's mound_

"Screw this man, I just know if he hit's it Leader will kill me. Fuck why can't I be a better pitcher!?" Deidara said to himself. "Screw it all, fuck you Orochimaru!" Deidara then threw the ball as fast as he could, it wasn't very fast but Orochimaru, fortunately, was eyeballing Itachi at the time and didn't even realize Deidara had thrown the ball.

"Strike one." Hiyashi said.

"Huh? Oh."

"Orochimaru-sama, when will you get over him?" Kabuto said to himself.

"Alright I knew I didn't suck!" Deidara said.

"Of course you suck tranny!" Hidan said. "He just wasn't looking."

_Great way to ruin his confidence Hidan. Pein thought._

"Come on you can do this blondie, fuck everyone else, fuck Hidan, fuck Leader, fuck that goat!" Deidara threw another pitch that somehow evolved into a curveball which caught Orochimaru off guard.

"Strike two."

_Damn this is getting annoying, I will not miss again, I will prove to Itachi how awesome I am, and then I will get back at the Akatsuki for always making fun of me! _

"Come on senpai, one more!" Tobi cheered.

"One more loser." Hidan said.

"Alright this is it I won't lose!" Deidara said as he unleashed a fastball that broke his old speed record of 'not good' going into the category of 'alright'.

"Die!" Orochimaru said as he swung the Kusanagi with all the force he could muster.

"Huh, what happened, I wasn't paying attention." Hiyashi said. "Oh it's a strike huh? Strike three you're out."

"Holy shit." The entire Akatsuki said at once.

"Yeah we won!" Deidara said.

"Are you retarded?" Hiyashi said. "They're up by one and you guys still need to bat."

_In the dugout _

"We need to score just two runs to win." Pein said. "I doubt we can win if we're forced into overtime so we need to score now. Konan whose up?"

"First is you, then Itachi, then me then Kisame and then Deidara……… I think we're in trouble."

"Damn right." Hidan said. "You three suck and Kisame can't play!'

"No I can play, I'm not going to allow my hitting position for the final inning to be filled by Leader."

"That still leaves us with the problem of the first three." Kakuzu said. "A lot of offense intended here when I say that you guys are basically guaranteed outs."

"We'll all just have to try. Right Itachi and Konan!?"

"……….." Was Itachi's response.

"Whatever." Was Konan's response.

A little later Pein went up to bat and was greeted by a horrific sight. Orochimaru was catching.

"What the hell are you doing?" Pein asked.

"I've decided to play as catcher so if any of you failures can get to home I can get you out personally, kukuku."

"Tch. Prick." Pein said as he prepared to try and not suck and get on base.

Pitching for the Sound team was Kabuto who unlike Deidara didn't need to rely on freak miracles to be good.

"Everyone this truly is amazing." Jiraiya announced. "Who would've thought that the game would be so close and that the winning run could be scored by the head coach who isn't even supposed to be allowed to play."

"It's going out of the park." Pein said pointing his bat to left field.

Kabuto threw the pitch and-

-Pein bunted.

"Fuck!" Kabuto said as he ran to retrieve the ball before Pein could get to base, he was too slow though and the pierced leader made it to first.

"I'm surprised." Zetsu said. **"Yeah who would've thought that that retard could think of someone like that?"**

Itachi walked up to the plate. His at bat went by fairly quickly as without motivation or the Sharingan he sucked. It didn't help that Orochimaru told him his ponytail made him look gay causing Itachi to not pay attention and strike out.

_It does not look gay, I am not gay! I'm not!_

Konan didn't even swing.

"Damnit Konan. What the hell!? I thought you would at least try!" Pein said.

"Then you're even stupider than I thought."

Finally, it was Kisame's turn. And the sharkman was not going to go down easy.

"You don't really think you can win Kisame-kun?" Orochimaru said. "There's really no hope at all so why don't you just give up. Maybe join me? I could always use someone like you around kukuku."

_Ugh, that's an image that's wont be leaving anytime soon. _

"I am not going to lose to you freaks." Kisame said as Kabuto started to throw the ball.

"Gyahhh!" Kisame yelled as he swung with all his might! Unfortunately he tipped it and the ball only mad it a few feet past the shortstop.

"Oh shit." Kisame said as he started to run to first.

Pein was already at second and due to a shitty pass Kisame safely made it to first. As Tayuya, the first baseman, retrieved the ball Pein was already rounding third. "Throw it to me!" Orochimaru yelled. Pein was now almost at home but Orochimaru got the ball first and turned around ready to tag orange hair out. Pein decided tot run right through Orochimaru knocking him over and allowing Pein to touch home.

"Ultra holy shit." Hidan said as the rest of the Akatsuki nodded along.

"You're out." Hiyashi said.

"WHAT!?" The Akatsuki yelled.

"Orochimaru never dropped the ball, and he did touch you with it, you're out Akatsuki loses."

"Oh, just when you thought the pathetic incompetent team would pull an upset." Jiraiya said. "But they still suck."

"If you would've just stayed at third Deidara could've got you in." Kisame said.

'I wasn't thinking."

"Well kukuku, looks like all this money is mine."

"Yeah I guess so." Pein said. "NOW GRAB THE MONEY AND LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Pein then sucker-punched Orochimaru and the rest of the Akatsuki grabbed the money and ran off.

Were you actually expecting them to win?

* * *

And so Akatsuki baseball ends. Don't fret though as the Akatsuki shall return in my next story the first chapter of which should be up in about a week. And also, it will not be a comedy.

Go to my profile page to see a short list of my upcoming stories.

I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
